The Fear of Always
by rebelBeckett
Summary: This story takes place directly after 6x23. It is a bleak prospect that Castle is still alive, but there is hope. This is my first fanfic, so please bear with me.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

_Soldier on, solder on, keep your heart close to the ground_

Kate gazed all the burning car below her, almost unseeing. _This can't be happening. Not now, not ever. _The tears built up in her eyes threatening to spill down her face, her mind assuming the worst. It had to be Castle's car down in that ravine. The pieces started coming together in her brain, and a roaring started up in her ears as the reality of the situation dawned on her. An unsettling rage washed over her as Kate clenched her snowy white dress in her hands and slowly began sinking to the ground.

_He was twenty minutes away._

_They were so close._

She felt the asphalt under her knees, and knew that she was ruining her dress, _but what does it matter now, _she thought. What she didn't realize, was Martha running up behind her, and that she had said what she was thinking out loud. Castle was Martha's only son, now he might be dead. Kate hated herself for a second, blaming herself for this whole thing.

_None of this would have happened if it wasn't for me._

An incredible wave of regret and grief washed over her. She knew that it was too soon to tell, too soon to know whether Castle was in the car... But all the signs pointed to the worst scenario.

Hot tears streamed down her face as Martha looked on in shocked silence. Kate had never seen her speechless, and she felt, all of a sudden, that this was all her fault. Their partnership, their relationship, had all led to this.

_I love you with all of my heart._

_Stay with me._

Her denial turned to grief as Kate sat on her knees, on the asphalt, in her mother's wedding dress. She wiped her face with her grimy hands and the smudges left behind made her look like an abandoned, forlorn, child on the road.

_This was supposed to be our magical day._

_He was twenty minutes away._

As her vision started to come back into focus, she noticed there were more people milling around. The roaring in her ears hadn't subsided, so she couldn't make out what they were yelling about. She didn't have ears for anything yet. The detective instincts had fled, for just a moment. She was the bride on her wedding day, who's groom-to-be might be dead. In those moments, she was slowly falling apart...

The world went blurry.

She vaguely made out Ryan's concerned face.

He was trying to say something to her. She thought he was saying that they thought that Castle's body may indeed be in the car, but they were still trying to put out the flames. Ryan was still trying to get her attention, but Kate was too distraught to even be able to listen that closely. Her hand grabbed at her dress with force enough to rip it. She wanted it off. The tears streaming like rivers down her face.

_This can't be happening._

Sobs ripped through her body, taking her over. Her vision faded and she started to fall sideways, her arms flailing out for something to hold on to. A scream started to come up in the back of her throat.

_I just want you._


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Hey guys, I hope you are liking my story- I'm taking this project on by ear so we'll see where it goes!

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, as much as I may want to.

**Chapter 2**

'_Maybe if I fall asleep, I won't breathe right.'_

Kate came to, and noticed groggily that she was in the back of a car, her head resting against the window. She looked down at her smudgy dress, and the reality of the situation came back to her. She slumped down in her seat, unable to keep herself upright. She made a move to crane her head to see who was driving, and pulled a muscle in her neck. Wincing with the pain, she tried to sit up straighter so she could get a better view.

_The only car I was supposed to be in for the rest of the day was the car that would take me away from the wedding with my new husband._

The images of the burning car were etched into her brain, and she felt like all the air had been knocked out of her chest.

She pulled herself upright and noticed Esposito driving the car. She felt some small relief as she saw the familiar form.

She wasn't in danger, for now.

"Where are we going?' she asked, in the general direction of the front seat.

There was no answer. He was in shock as well.

_How is this happening?_

_This was going to be our perfect day, our magical day. Haven't we been through enough?_

The realization that she might actually never see him again, crippled her. She felt a pain in her ribcage and the rage from earlier spread through her limbs. She had no idea what was happening, where they were going, or what progress had been made, but in this moment, she was grieving. She was grieving for him, grieving for their future.

_He might still be alive. I need to hang on to that._

Up in the front seat, Esposito's phone rang, piercing the emotionally charged air. He immediately answered it and put the phone up to his ear. Looking back momentarily, he finally noticed that Kate was awake. He gave her a sympathizing look and put the phone on speaker.

"Hey Espo, it's Ryan. We've got a real problem. It looks like it was really Castle who was in that car. They're still working on putting the fire out, but it's Castle's car and there appears to be a human form inside. We won't know more until they can get the fire under control, and recover what's left."

Kate didn't hear anymore after that. She stared out the window and refused to believe that this was actually happening.

_This is just a dream._

_This can't happen to me again right? _

Images of her mother's crime scene started to flood back in to her mind. However, justice wasn't on her mind for once. She had taken care of that. She started remembering because it seemed like such a similar situation. This time, instead of normal circumstances, it was the biggest day of her life. The first incident had taken place on a seemingly normal day. This was so much more. She felt her mind start to go back into that little box. If this turned out for the worse, she would put up the walls again-scratch that- a fortress, and it would probably never come down again.

_He has to be alive right?_

_Please don't leave me._

_He has to okay. I know him. He has to be alive. _

_I can't do this without you, babe._

45 minutes later they pulled into the twelfth precinct. Considering the circumstances, it seemed the safest place to go. It was alive with activity, officers hurrying to try to figure out what was going on. Kate stood in the bullpen, motionless. She knew she was being stared at. Her fiancé supposedly ended up in the ditch in a burning car on the way to the wedding, and that was enough to make anyone wonder. Kate stood staring at Castle's chair, in her mother's creamy white wedding dress. The tears starting to flow once again and she heard noises, noises which she then identified as her own sobs. Castle's chair blurred through her vision and her face crumpled.

_Keep it together._

Kate felt arms around her. She turned around and saw Martha beside her. Tears In her eyes as well.

"Don't blame yourself, Katherine. You know my son as well as I do. He's got to be alright."

In that moment, Kate's senses came back into focus.

_Yes, I will figure this out babe. I won't let you down._

There you go! Let me know what you think so far! Please leave a review or feel free to tweet me- rebelBeckett


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** Thank you so much for reading this story guys! I really need more reviews though, so please leave your thoughts or tweet me! -rebelBeckett

**Chapter 3**

_They never said it would be this hard._

Kate had been sent home to the loft soon after she had arrived at the precinct, much to her varied protests. Her fiancé might be dead, and she was not going to leave. Esposito escorted her to the loft, due to Gates' request. It was a silent, ride. Emotions were running high and neither party was able to form a sentence. She was going to have to change out her wedding dress, and that thought almost caused the tears to start flowing freely again, but she was able to hold back

_Give me strength._

_You are my solid ground._

At home at the loft, she walked to the mirror in his room, "their" room. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was messy and sticking up in random places, and her mother's dress had gravel and grease from the road sticking to it. Her face had a lone streak of makeup on her cheek, and tear stains from earlier. Seeing herself like this on what was supposed to be the best day of her life, did her in. They had come this far, and today was going to be their magical day. This was the result? She knew she didn't have much time, she wanted to be able to help out… But she needed this moment of weakness. She looked at the ring on the left hand and it was like a punch in the gut.

_I need you._

More tears threatened to start streaming down her face again, but no, she needed to be strong. She needed to get moving.

She started unzipping her dress. It should've been Castle doing the job right now. That thought gave her a burst of nervous energy and she ended up making a tear in the dress in her haste to get it off. She needed the dress to be off.

_Why this. Why now._

Kate slipped some grey leggings and one of Castle's sweaters. It dwarfed her form, but she needed his scent near her to keep her going.

_I need to keep going._

She took a moment to inhale his scent, and her phone rang suddenly, startling her.

It was Esposito.

"How are you?"

"It doesn't matter how I am, is there any news!?" she was almost yelling into the phone, her tone frantic.

"They managed to put out the fire and recover what was left of the car," he said. His tone sounded pretty shaky as well. "I don't want to get your hopes up too much and they warned me that I shouldn't tell you anything yet, but I couldn't leave you hanging."

"Just tell me."

"They don't think that Castle was in the car while it was burning up," he said on a heavy exhale.

Kate closed her eyes and tried to maintain her breathing. She was afraid that she would start hyperventilating and that was the last thing she needed. She needed to be on top of her game.

"You know that there is no way that Gates is going to let you work on this right now, right?"

"I need to do this. You know that, Javi."

Kate hung up and leaned over, her hand resting heavily on her legs, still trying to maintain her breathing as well as her blood pressure.

She was starting to crack.

_The happiest day of my life._

The dam in her mind broke.

She rushed frantically out of the bedroom and put her shoes on as fast as she possibly could. She grabbed her gun and rushed out the door and down the stairs, not bothering with the elevator.

_Damn it, Castle. I need you._

She started running outside the building, in no real direction. A burn started up in her chest and came back to herself.

_I need to get under control._

Kate finally took a moment to think.

_I need to stop acting like a stupefied bride and start acting like a cop._

It was still a struggle for her to keep herself under control.

_I need to protect myself if I'm going to find him. Think clearly, Kate._

She hailed a cab and had the driver take her the precinct. She started going through different situations in her mind, trying to think of a clear explanation through the fog in her mind. Finally a name materialized.

_Tyson._


End file.
